It’s been almost 4 weeks since my husband and I moved in with my parents since selling our house and trying to buy a new house. We have a very short chain and despite this nothing is moving fast, short term rent proved difficult to find not to mention financially tricky so we are just hoping the house sale will actually go through. I chased solicitors again today and our mortgage lender hasn’t done anything at all therefore we currently have no end in sight.
It’s not helped by the fact that my husband is away an epic motorbike trip around Europe (sadly I didn’t have enough holiday). I met him at the weekend to join him in a city break however it’s now just me again at my parents. They argue more when my husband isn’t around and it’s very much feeling like I’m 15 years old again… I did a great job of making evening plans every evening last week but I’m faced with the next couple of nights back at their house.
Anyway that aside something that came up at the weekend was our situation. We spoke about countries we’d like to visit and said it is tricky not knowing where we’ll be next year if we do a donor round IVF not to mention the financial implications.
My husband spoke about how he’s long since accepted that he will be childless, he made peace with it years ago (when he first had fertility issues with his previous wife) but he understands I’m not there yet. No matter what I tell myself or how I try to accept it I can’t, it hurts too much. We spoke about how when I was little I’d be given a doll to play with or play ‘mummies and daddies’ with the girl next door. It’s hard to let go of something that’s been instilled in you since you could understand.
When I think about more treatment it stirs up a sadness that I work hard to keep in a box. Going through the injections, the internal scans let alone getting to the hospital scan (where our whole world crumbled) is too painful to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if it’s ptsd but I don’t know, that seems too much or a bit dramatic for me to call it that. Yet I think about my miscarriage often, about what happened and the pain I was in. It’s hard to let that go. counselling didn’t help so I guess I just think it’s something I’ll always carry.
It’s selfish to want to carry on, it’s not fair to my husband after all he’s been through. I wish I could flick a switch to ‘acceptance’. Yet I feel I will always wonder if we don’t try with a donor – but this is just more selfishness on my part.
Even if I say to myself that another round with a donor sperm could work (after 2 failed cycles and multiple miscarriages for my husband and his past wife), this offers little solace because I’d be mad to ignore the statistics and actual chances of it succeeding (I don’t want to hear how after x tries it worked for you, I don’t find this helpful and it breads false hope). Financially I also have no idea how we will do one more round.
My friend who was pregnant has had her babies, I met them last week and they were perfect. I don’t know how often I’ll see them (I have one friend who had to be one of the first to visit them and continues to act this way, I’m trying to remind myself that acting competitively won’t be for the right reasons) Aaaaaaannway if I ever move out of my parents I’ll be further away from the babies. I have to trust my friend knows I love her even if I don’t see her too often. I wasn’t sure how I would feel meeting them but I felt so much love, I guess babies are designed in a way to make you fall in love with them. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that in a sad way it reinforced how much I want one of my own but I guess that’s to be expected.
I don’t know, I guess I’m in a melancholy mood because I got back from my long weekend yesterday… I hope our house sale goes through, having my own space, some silence (it’s never quiet at my parents, my mum makes constant noise for attention) will do me the world of good. Mentally it’s taking it’s toll. I called my husband just now and he said when he’s back at the weekend we can look at what we do in terms of where we live for the next month so we’ll see.