We should talk
I met a friend for lunch today, I originally met her at my first job in london 8 or so years ago , there’s a group of 6 of us who meet up every few months. The woman I met today had live overseas for a 5 years but has recently moved back. We have never been hugely close (as in the kind of close where you have deep and meaningful conversations) but it’s always nice to see her.
Most of the group meet ups involve a fair amount of alcohol, that’s the group dynamic and I’ve long since accepted that. I have a group of friends who are the closest I’ll get to sisters (being an only child) and then I have other groups who are the kind you go out and have fun with, perhaps a bit lighter in terms of friendship but we all get what we need from the group. They may not be the kind of group I call if I need someone but they are the kind of group that guarantee a great night out.
Anyway I wanted to tell the girl who has been away about our year last year. Not because I need someone to talk about it but because I guess I don’t want to forget what happened and also I don’t want to hide it, it’s not a secret. It was so important, it wasn’t just something that happened, the baby we lost was mine and my husband’s baby, the only baby who will ever be biologically our child together.
I didn’t need to tell her, in fact it was a little bit awkward as she’s not one for hugely asking questions so I found myself talking about moving house, starting afresh and then going into it. Conversations tend to be on the surface so much of the time but I went to a ground rarely covered.
Selfishly it will also help her understand that when the time comes for that particular group to have babies (very much on the cards in the near future) she will then understand if I take a step back. Most of the group are married now, the lady I met is getting married next year. The three others are very much talking about children now, it’s a matter of when they will fall pregnant over the next year not ‘if’.
It’s strange really when I think about it, how the group is changing. They are very much the go to group for nice (note expensive) restaurants in london and for acting irresponsibly, it’s such a ticking time bomb and I’m watching the bomb count down as I live in limbo.
I do think people should talk about this more, the struggles we face here aren’t new, each step we take by talking and telling people will only help us heal…
Living in Limbo
I’m not trying to be melancholic here when I talk about Limbo. I am in Limbo and some days I have so much fun being so. We just got back from Disneyland Paris where my husband and I spent 3 days in the sunshine riding roller coasters and having the best time acting like children, I felt so relaxed and at ease, I couldn’t tell you a time when I’d had that much fun for so long. The weather helped as Paris had a heatwave, I kept thinking I was in Florida so it was wonderful.
I struggled with Skiing in March hugely. It couldn’t switch off from anything, I lost confidence in skiing and had to force myself to go out. I stayed at the hotel one afternoon and made my husband go without me as I just didn’t want to go. I know it must have been because of our due date and I was glad to get home. It made Paris all the more enjoyable as I switched off completely.
This weekend is bank holiday, 4 days which will be great. We are seeing some friends and my auntie and uncle so I’m really looking forward to that… ah Limbo you are becoming like an old ‘friend’…