Reality hitting

glass

So I haven’t blogged in a little while.

My husband and I went away for two weeks on holiday and had the best time, it really was just what I needed and I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt truly relaxed. Away from daily life, social media and stress, I’ll cherish that holiday dearly.

We flew home over night on the Friday – Saturday and then drove four hours to pick up kittens the another two hours back. We finally have two beautiful kittens and we’re completely in love. We’ve been home for just over a week and it’s been wonderful getting to know them, they are both so different (the boy is a big softie and so cuddly, the girl is an ice queen and beautiful). To continue to my escapism I set up an Instagram for them (crazy cat lady) and that’s been a great distraction.

Then reality hit last night. The weekend was stressful as my parents visited, my mum is again going through a phase of ‘I’ve changed’, ‘I confess to this and that’. Which when she said it at the weekend it wasn’t really discussed but once they left I felt nothing but hurt as everything sunk in, so much denial and lies over the years and she simply said ‘I’ve been doing this or that’ as if to just admit it was ok. I wished we’d discussed it more but the truth is it wouldn’t have changed anything, she’s utterly incapable of telling the truth and everything she said she’d changed over the weekend, my husband and I continued to see during the weekend.

Anyway so in an effort to try and calm myself down and destress from the weekend I had a bath, lit candles and read a book. I then sat on my bed and my phone buzzed. A message from an old friend who I’ve grown distant from. We used to be so close but a number of things over the years has happened and we’ve drifted (for the best) apart. She text me on Friday evening asking how the new house was and the kittens, I replied and this was her replying to my earlier text. Within her reply were the words ‘we have baby number 2 arriving in a few months’.

Baby number two.

As soon as I read it I felt the tears, I went downstairs to see my husband and just cried. I mean it’s great news for them but selfishly it hurts so badly. She’ll have what we’ll never have. I’d give up so much for a child that is biologically my husband and I’s. I know this won’t ever change, there’s no point in writing it, I’m a broken record sometimes but I think about it so often. It just feels like it’s so easy for some, you know, let’s have another child, we already have one beautiful child. Of course if I think about this logically I know it’s not the case, it’s unlikely to have been that easy etc, why shouldn’t they have another child etc, but you know, in that moment, in this moment it’s tough.

I should mention the person has no idea of our miscarriage or IVF struggles, she knows a bit about my husband’s problems and that we’d find it hard to conceive.

The holiday, the kittens, the Instagram it’s all a mass distraction, I’m not thinking about life, I was riding my holiday high. The cats are filling a void of being childless and that text hit me home hugely, the bubble popped. My husband and I have jokingly being saying ‘you’re just like your mum/dad’ to the kittens about each other, hearing the news last night and the fact we aren’t a mum or dad to a child just makes my heart ache.

I really can’t shake the sad feeling. I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard, the friendship is so tricky, we’re distant (that’s ok with me).

I don’t know but there’s a deep sad feeling. I had a night sweat last night, I haven’t had them in a few months.

My husband brought up us booking an appointment to talk to the donor team at the IVF clinic last night, saying maybe we should go in for the chat. I want to have the chat to see what we’re up against and if it is at all feasible (not that we have the money).

It’s so tricky because I had the holiday as an excuse, the holiday is now over, I have run out of excuses. It’s also tricky as if we did do it we planned for next year but with the company I work for being sold it’s all so up in the air. I don’t know if I’ll be in the same job, if I’ll be able to get the time off etc. it’s all so uncertain. Plus the idea of it all again, the operations, the daily injections, the heart ache, ahh it just makes me want to cry because of everything we’ve been through.

Anyway ramble over, I will do my best to catch up on reading all the blogs I have missed since I’ve been away.

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. Oh I’m so sorry. Those are the worst days. The loneliness, the deep open painful wound of infertility that feels like it will never heal. I was there last year after our 3 failed rounds of IVF and bizarrely it took a friend’s funeral to help me step away from the constant pain (see blog entry ‘Ah f*ck it’). After that I aimed to do other things, get some joy back in life, but to also not feel bad about feeling bad. A lot of the time I would instead aim to feel neutral instead of happy and it was more achievable and helped massively both with the pain and with the stress. We moved on late last year and did DEIVF which worked first time (and I don’t regret for a second) and now I’m 35 weeks pregnant. But I always remember that pain and stress, the worst of my life. Don’t be too hard on yourself, speak to an infertility counsellor, don’t beat yourself up about feeling those feelings which are so natural and normal. Sending hugs. XXX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel for you as the pain comes across in your words. I’ve been there, as have others reading this and so I hope you know you’re not alone and that is a small comfort. I think the distractions are important, holidays help us through the dark days and give us things to look forward to and time when we can just be. I found them vital in keeping my marriage together in difficult circumstances.
    I think it takes time to get to a place of acceptance when considering a donor but for us the first step was going to a talk by an agency who match donors with recipients. For my husband that was a break through. I’d recommend having the chat so you know the options. We’ve been successful on our second attempt with DEIVF and I’m very grateful, but I won’t pretend it was easy to get here or that the pain of infertility just goes away (though it does become less magnified). Good luck and big hugs. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree about holidays, we’re talking about planning a weekend away in December to keep things to look forward to. You’re also right about booking a chat to talk about donors, we are going to do that hopefully sooner rather than later. Congratulations on being successful on your second attempt with DEIVF as well, that really is fantastic. You know what, as a write this i’m going to now make the call to the IVF clinic to see about an appointment. I need to stop the excuses 🙂 xxx

      Like

  3. Hi Rambles I’m sorry to hear you’ve been laid a bit low. Those holidays are so great when you’re on them – I’m finding I love escaping to somewhere wild and cutting off the WiFi and avoiding social media, but sometimes when I come back to reality, I feel like I never went away….Pregnancy announcements are bloody grim, whoever they are. I admit that when I was getting over everything, that was the last thing to go: they still made me feel crap even when I thought I was over it all. I was never happy for anyone, I wanted everyone to be like me (horrible I know, but true: I confess I never felt joy or happiness for anyone when I was at my lowest. It’s changed now luckily and they don’t bother me; also they have stopped happening. Grandchildren next though – bleurgh!). I think everyone on here would empathise with how crappy announcements feel, and how the depression over it all can make you so jaded about things like holidays, pets etc. Nothing compares, when you’re low. I hope your mum isn’t doing your head in too much – there’s no underestimating the mental stress parents can put you under. Anyway I hope you made that call! (re comment above) and are feeling more optimistic! Greetings to you x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Firstly, I’m glad to hear you had a nice holiday! And that’s so fun you have the new kittens. I’d follow their instagram page! I’m sorry about the unexpected news from your friend. And also that you are now facing hard decisions about whether to go down the IVF path again or not. I guess the first step is just to have the appointment and figure out options and odds and then you could still decide after if it’s something you would be able to face. One step at a time. x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s