Reality hitting

So I haven’t blogged in a little while.

My husband and I went away for two weeks on holiday and had the best time, it really was just what I needed and I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt truly relaxed. Away from daily life, social media and stress, I’ll cherish that holiday dearly.

We flew home over night on the Friday – Saturday and then drove four hours to pick up kittens the another two hours back. We finally have two beautiful kittens and we’re completely in love. We’ve been home for just over a week and it’s been wonderful getting to know them, they are both so different (the boy is a big softie and so cuddly, the girl is an ice queen and beautiful). To continue to my escapism I set up an Instagram for them (crazy cat lady) and that’s been a great distraction.

Then reality hit last night. The weekend was stressful as my parents visited, my mum is again going through a phase of ‘I’ve changed’, ‘I confess to this and that’. Which when she said it at the weekend it wasn’t really discussed but once they left I felt nothing but hurt as everything sunk in, so much denial and lies over the years and she simply said ‘I’ve been doing this or that’ as if to just admit it was ok. I wished we’d discussed it more but the truth is it wouldn’t have changed anything, she’s utterly incapable of telling the truth and everything she said she’d changed over the weekend, my husband and I continued to see during the weekend.

Anyway so in an effort to try and calm myself down and destress from the weekend I had a bath, lit candles and read a book. I then sat on my bed and my phone buzzed. A message from an old friend who I’ve grown distant from. We used to be so close but a number of things over the years has happened and we’ve drifted (for the best) apart. She text me on Friday evening asking how the new house was and the kittens, I replied and this was her replying to my earlier text. Within her reply were the words ‘we have baby number 2 arriving in a few months’.

Baby number two.

As soon as I read it I felt the tears, I went downstairs to see my husband and just cried. I mean it’s great news for them but selfishly it hurts so badly. She’ll have what we’ll never have. I’d give up so much for a child that is biologically my husband and I’s. I know this won’t ever change, there’s no point in writing it, I’m a broken record sometimes but I think about it so often. It just feels like it’s so easy for some, you know, let’s have another child, we already have one beautiful child. Of course if I think about this logically I know it’s not the case, it’s unlikely to have been that easy etc, why shouldn’t they have another child etc, but you know, in that moment, in this moment it’s tough.

I should mention the person has no idea of our miscarriage or IVF struggles, she knows a bit about my husband’s problems and that we’d find it hard to conceive.

The holiday, the kittens, the Instagram it’s all a mass distraction, I’m not thinking about life, I was riding my holiday high. The cats are filling a void of being childless and that text hit me home hugely, the bubble popped. My husband and I have jokingly being saying ‘you’re just like your mum/dad’ to the kittens about each other, hearing the news last night and the fact we aren’t a mum or dad to a child just makes my heart ache.

I really can’t shake the sad feeling. I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard, the friendship is so tricky, we’re distant (that’s ok with me).

I don’t know but there’s a deep sad feeling. I had a night sweat last night, I haven’t had them in a few months.

My husband brought up us booking an appointment to talk to the donor team at the IVF clinic last night, saying maybe we should go in for the chat. I want to have the chat to see what we’re up against and if it is at all feasible (not that we have the money).

It’s so tricky because I had the holiday as an excuse, the holiday is now over, I have run out of excuses. It’s also tricky as if we did do it we planned for next year but with the company I work for being sold it’s all so up in the air. I don’t know if I’ll be in the same job, if I’ll be able to get the time off etc. it’s all so uncertain. Plus the idea of it all again, the operations, the daily injections, the heart ache, ahh it just makes me want to cry because of everything we’ve been through.

Anyway ramble over, I will do my best to catch up on reading all the blogs I have missed since I’ve been away.