So I’ve been terrible at keeping up with the blogs recently and writing my own, a few things have happened which has mean’t I’ve not been spending time at a computer.
I went public with our loss
If you’ve read any of my blogs you’ll see I was in two minds about putting something out there on social media for months.
I didn’t end up writing anything on our 1 year anniversary, then we had Baby Loss awareness month in October. All week I was thinking do I or don’t I. I was scared of what people would think, I wasn’t wanting to do it for attention or support, I was scared of the reactions and how I would feel. As the week went on, finally on the Saturday I posted a status. It was, by coincidence, exactly a year and a week since our loss so I simply put ‘1 year 1 month 1 week since our loss #babylossawarenessweek’ with a link to the miscarriage website.
I did it, and I felt proud that in my small way I spoke up for a subject that is so common yet rarely gets talked about. Even now I struggle to read through some of the responses, I didn’t check them for a day or so but there were two things that came from it. An old colleague of mine sent me a private message to say his wife and him had suffered miscarriages. Then another old colleague who isn’t on FB but whose husband is on mine text me last Friday to say she was thinking of me. Long story short this was her way of reaching out, her and her husband are having the year we had last year, with IVF and miscarriage. Those two messages did get to me and reinforced that so many others suffer in silence, it all breaks my heart.
I got made redundant, well my US owned company decided to close it’s UK office. It was quite a shock, I perhaps should have seen it coming but hindsight is a powerful thing! It all happened very quickly, I think that’s the main thing, how fast it all happened. A guy flew in from the US on a Friday to tell us that the office may close, yet he could not answer one single question on when, if we would get a package etc. Then the following Friday we had a follow up meeting and that was it. Literally I left the meeting, went to unlock my computer and bam – no access.
I guess the main thing that I was concerned about was my plan or potential plan for next year, in my job I had an understanding manager and I would have been able to work an potential treatment around her (not that we are definitely doing any). Financially we hadn’t been saving (and as all you wonderful people know nothing is cheap when it comes to IVF). These were my main concerns.
In the week of limbo I went full steam ahead at getting a new job, contacting recruiters, lining up interviews, all I could think was get a job, get a job. We have some over-hang from our holidays/ house move to pay off before the end of the year and then next year we’d be going back to being sensible and saving.
My husband kept telling me to take a break, take some time. We could survive on one income it’d just be tight and we’d have to make sacrifices. Yet I’m not good at being told what to do, nor am I good at relaxing.
So a week after the final Friday I had got myself a new job, I did decide to take a few weeks off to attempt to ‘relax’. So that’s what I’ve been doing for a couple of weeks. My husband and I booked a last minute trip and we fly on Monday.
Impulsive trips and having fun
We could have been sensible, we have no savings for next year, we’re paying stuff off still, we don’t have the extra cash etc etc. Or the stronger part of my brain (and my husbands) just says s*d it, honestly last year was rubbish. We are hugely fortunate in that I was able to get another job, that collectively we are able to pay off the holidays we book etc.
If I think about whether i’ll look back at this year and wonder if I’ll regret our adventures because we were a bit careless with money, no I won’t.
Life is so serious, we have to take the time we can and make the most of being together and having fun. I’m not saying everyone should live like this, we are hugely hugely privileged but for us we deserve it. We can’t have children so my goodness are we going to make the most of what we do have.
Next year, you can wait.