ramblesandstruggles

Is it ever ok not to go to a baby shower?

saying-no

 

Hi all,

Impulse blog.

I have found out from another friend that my close friend is going to be having a baby shower.

My view on baby showers

I am based in the UK so the concept of a baby shower is not huge – or at least I didn’t think it was. I thought it was very much an American thing to do. I don’t personally get it, you celebrate and bring gifts when a baby is born. I don’t get a baby shower. When I was pregnant my husband and I discussed me having a baby shower, I didn’t want one – I didn’t get it plus any one in my friendship group struggling to have children would just feel rubbish.

Right back to it…

This is the close friend who is pregnant who I asked for advice on before.

Update on situation overall

I told my pregnant friend I was struggling with her pregnancy, she was wonderful, as the weeks have gone on I have made an effort to ask her how she is, spoke to her about her 3 month scan. Every time I speak to her on the phone I ask and in text.

Another mutual friend has potential fertility issues and a few weeks back we discussed a baby shower for our mutually pregnant friend. We thought our friends colleague would organise a shower and we would let her know we’d leave it to just be a work baby shower.

Hopefully I’m making some sense so far.

Baby shower

Anyway I get a call from my friend (with potential fertility issues) saying another close friend got contacted by our pregnant friends husband to ask to organise a baby shower.

So the husband did message the 3 of us (we were all bridesmaids) and went to one only – this got my back up a bit but i may be over-thinking this and he might not have wanted to upset me and my other friend.

Anyway the other friend is now going to organise a baby shower. My other friend doesn’t know whether to go – her husband thinks she should because she might start not being included with other things if she doesn’t go. I think she will go.

I spoke to my husband whose views haven’t changed on baby showers – he doesn’t see the point because we will all celebrate and buy stuff when the baby is born.

Me

I struggled to be on a skype call to a pregnant colleague the other week because another colleague said ‘we’re all so jealous that you’re pregnant’ i had to leave the room and cried.

I don’t want to make it all about me (contrary to this post all about me) but I just don’t get baby showers. Plus the idea of talking about having babies, babies, babies, surrounded by women talking about them, I just don’t think i’m strong enough.

Plus I was due to have my baby in on March 21st this year, if it’s around that time I will be crushed.

No one has contacted me yet

Apart from the friend to warn me, nothing from the pregnant friends husband or from my friend who is organising – so it’s made me already feel so far out of the loop.

Hurting my friend

I worry my friend would be hurt if I don’t go, I worry about what her husband would think if I don’t go along with my friends. I don’t believe they get the situation I am in.

But then what if I do go and get upset – wouldn’t that be worse?

I am trying to heal my heart, i can’t see how this could possibly help?

I am not saving I won’t be there as soon as I can when she gives birth, I will. I will do all I can to support her but I just don’t think I can do the baby showers.

Advice?

*I should have said – my pregnant friend doesn’t know about the baby shower – her husband started the ball rolling with organising it, so i won’t be able to explain myself to my friend, i also don’t have the relationship to explain to my pregnant friend’s husband either…*
Has anyone ever been in this situation? what would you do?

Is this utterly selfish, should I just try to suck it up?

24 comments

  1. I think as long as you make it clear for your friend, she will understand you. That’s what good friends do. Sometimes you need to concentrate on yourself and not constantly worry about others’ feelings. Give yourself the chance to take care of yourself

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  2. You have supported her a lot thus far with your calls etc so it isn’t as if you are not there for her. Tell her that you just don’t want to be in a room full of women talking about babies and pregnancy – it is simply not fair to expect someone with fertility problems to do that. For me, it’s black and white; simple. I do not get baby showers and i would not attend one if i was invited. They’re ridiculous. narcissistic bollocks. As you say, the parents-to-be will get showered with gifts when the baby is born. So tell your friend you are there for her, but can’t do a communal “celebration of pregnancy” right now. Hugs to you.

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    • Thats exactly what my husband thinks about baby showers – exactly. Thank you for your comment. I should have said – the baby shower is being organised as a surprise for the friend (her husband started the ball rolling) so i can’t explain myself to her about it – she’ll only realise I’m not there when I don’t go :-s

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      • Ah I get you – well, my opinion stays the same. You can explain to her afterwards that you weren’t able to tell her beforehand, because of the surprise element. I’m sure she’ll be in a good mood because of the shower and won’t mind..

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  3. You could always send a gift with a card explaining why you aren’t there. I’m from South Africa and baby showers are quite big here… I haven’t been to one in years except for my sisters, which I organised and found very painful but my desire to be there for her outweighed my self preservation in that instance. All the best with your decision makingxxx

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    • Thank you, I’d definitely be getting her a gift once the baby (well babies as she’s having twins are born). Babyshowers didn’t used to be a thing in the UK but it seems they are starting to be very much a thing! xxx

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  4. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Order something from the registry and be done with it. It’s an interesting thing in our society how women are expected to sacrifice their mental health to please others, ya know? Your heart comes first, ya hear? I got your back.

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  5. I’m from the US, so it’s a little different…. Yeah a few people will give a gift when the baby is born, but when it’s the first baby, a shower before baby is born is when people give gifts. It’s just the way it is. Mine is in 4 weeks. And I don’t expect to receive anything after she’s born. But I think my answer to your question is the same in either country… If you feel it will be too painful for you, don’t go. It sounds as if this is a friend you can have the conversation with, even if it’s after the shower. She may not completely understand, as she hasn’t dealt with infertility personally, but you have to protect yourself and continue healing. Be as involved in things as is comfortable for you and no more. And since you are definitely planning on seeing her and the babies and bringing gifts when they are born, I don’t think she’d even think anything of it.

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  6. I definitely don’t think it would be selfish to not attend if you don’t feel up to it! Baby showers aren’t really a thing in Ireland either but since I’m friends lots of american/canadians here in Germany I’ve ended up being invited to quite a few baby showers! Some of them were ages ago when I wasn’t trying myself long so didn’t find them upsetting. I found some of the games etc a bit cringy to be honest though! Like one where there were mashed up chocolate bars on nappies/diapers and you had to smell them to guess what it was (yuck!).

    I started to find baby showers harder to go to as time went on and we were in the midst of infertility treatments. There was one for a really good friend and it was full of other mothers and there was so much talk about babies that I got tears in my eyes a few times but held it together.. That said I went to a baby shower a few months ago and most of the guests didn’t have kids so the conversation wasn’t dominated by baby stuff. Several of us brought some sparkling wine and we had nice chats about all sort of things (books, movies, life in Germany, politics) so it was actually a really nice afternoon. My friend whose baby shower it was was pregnant after her third IVF so she was also aware of how it could be hard for me and she was sensitive about that which was nice.

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  9. Personally I wouldn’t go – but I’ve started being pretty ‘selfish’ about these things. I didn’t go to a recent gathering for my best friend who was visiting from Argentina where she lives because I was the only one without kids (and they were all taking their kids/babies) apart from one friend who is heavily pregnant and due the same time I would have been. I had the option of explaining to my friend beforehand and she was very understanding. I realise this isn’t an option for you but after the event you can do so. I feel for you – a difficult situation.
    Ps- I also think babyshowers are weird!

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  11. I totally get you. I’ve been struggling to get pregnant and have been supervising an intern who is now 3 mos pregnant. I miscarried in November, so it’s still quite fresh. I’m happy for her, but also feel envious. She has invited me to her babyshower and we’ve been discussing baby stuff.

    Do what makes you comfortable. I’m sure your friend will understand if you can’t. Babydust to you!

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  12. Appreciate the comment however my journey is over in terms of trying to have a biological child with my husband. We’re not sure of the next steps, potentially adoption but we’re taking a year off for ourselves, financially and mentally. Wishing you all the best on your journey!

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